Some mad hope,, or something like that.

I've always given more of myself than I've really ever been able to.

I've never felt like it was enough to offer just myself and leave it at that.

So, I'm on a quest.
To be my absolute best.
by myself.

Nothing added,
Nothing taken away.

I think the reason why I've always done this,
is because I have this perfect best friend.

Guys are in love with her before they ever even acknowledge my existence.

I've never felt pretty enough.
Or funny enough.
or thin enough.
My feet have always been too big.
and my hair never just right.

I've always just been the smart, goofy, lopey girl.

And I don't know if this is how others see me.
And most the time I try to put on a confident front
like nothing shakes me.

But every little jab that someone makes
cuts a little deeper.

And I know they may be just kidding.
But in my mind there's truth behind every "just kidding".
And a lie behind every "I'm fine".

I just want to find the one person
who looks at me first
and thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.

Someone who can make me laugh at my imperfections.

But, like I said, I'm on a quest to be the best me.

So, in the meanwhile, I guess I'll have to do that on my own.

Learn to laugh at the things that make me want to cry.
Or put a paper bag over my head.

I have to stand tall, with my chin up.

I have to remember that I'm only a teenager
and one day,
I'm gonna look back and maybe laugh, maybe not,
at the way I feel at this point.
But I know I'll remember this feeling when I'm older,
and I see a tall teenage girl
who's laughing and having fun with her friends.

Because behind that laugh might be the way I feel.

But regardless of how I'll perceive this when I'm older,
I can guarantee it'll just be rememberance,
because the way I feel will pass.



Won't it?

If at first you don't succeed.. maybe it wasn't meant to be?

Have you ever wanted something so bad
that you fought,
through blood and tears,
through rain and shine
to get it?

And no matter what kind of effort was poured in,
the outcome never went the way that was planned,
or hoped for,
or prayed for.

I have.
I wondered for so long,
and fought with myself
about if I had worked harder.
Tried one more time..
Maybe it would have worked out.

But it wouldn't have.

And somewhere down the road, i understood why it didn't work out.
and I breathe a sigh of relief that things didn't go my way.
Because there was something better down the road.
Something I could never have planned.
Things have a way of working out that way.

I was reminded of this the other day.

And I had the stongest urge to call what I once hoped for.

I imagined the conversation going a little something like this (its a monologue):
"HI, remember me? Thought so. How's life? OH, not so good? Okay. Mine's great. No, It didn't go how I planned, but since when does anything go that way? Because if it had, I would have missed out on now.  The most important part of the future. I know you wish that I was still over here pining for what could have been, but truth be told, I haven't though about you in quite a while. I don't miss you. Nice talk. Byeee."

If only, if only.


I love moments like those.
Those times all you can say is, "Ohhh".
Because you realize something that was so confusing at one point.

It's a good moment.

:)

This Crazy Thing Called Life

Has so much ever happened to you in such a short period of time that it feels like you're floating through a dream?
Yeah? Well me too.

I need to get all these thoughts out of my head because they're threatening to kill me.

Here goes:
It all started last week, on Monday, which was also my birthday, June 6.

My lovely friends put together a surprise dinner for me. They're great.
Then after, we just wanted to do what kids do, so we decided to break in to the country club.
People had beer, we were just sitting around talking.
I made the decision to not drink that night, I just didn't feel right about it.
One of the guys that I like came.. and it was just a good night.
Until one of the guys that was there got on his motorcycle after having a few too many beers.
One of my other friends got into his car and they were going to race.
I told him before he ever left that he didn't need to drive..
He insisted he was fine.
I should have taken his keys..

They left and from the pool I could hear how fast he was going.
I heard him switch gears.
And then I heard the loudest sound I've ever heard in my life.
It's still ringing through my ears..
I've never ran so fast in my life.

The guy I like got in his truck, along with me and two others (who hadn't been drinking, by the way)
and floored it down the road.
We got there and his bike was shredded about 50 yards down the road.
I thought for sure he would be dead.
But he was sitting in the other guy's car while the others went to check out the bike.

I went over to talk to him, to slap him, to yell at him.
I couldn't do any of that.
All I could manage was to choke out sobs about how I shouldn't have let him leave and he could have died.
I couldn't breathe.
I was so scared.
The entire right side of his body was just meat and blood.
Thankfully, he didn't hit is head or break anything.
I know that if he had landed differently he would surely be dead.

I later learned he crashed going 120mph,


God was watching over him.


As if that isn't bad enough..
The next day, I was laying out at the same pool we had broken into the night before with some friends, and I got the weirdest phone call of my life.

My dad called to say he had bad news. He told me not to react so people wouldn't be suspicious. He told me to just listen.
He proceeded to tell me that my sister was pregnant.
My 19-year-old unwedded sister was pregnant.

All I could manage to do was get up and go to the bathroom.
He seemed pretty calm about it. He was heartbroken. He was dissapointed. But calm.

I ended the phone call and walked back outside.
Immediately when my three friends saw me, they rushed to me.
I took them back to the bathroom, checked that it was empty.
Blake said, "Anna, you look like you're about to throw up."
I said, "I think I might pass out."
Whitney stood by me with her arm around my waist to help me stand.
I broke down sobbing uncontrollable tears as they stood there looking scared.
I choked out the words, "Emily's pregnant."
and I immediately felt all three of their hands on me. Hugging me.

They all looked as dumbfounded as I felt.

I still can't believe it.
But I'm gonna be an Aunt.
Aunty Ann.
Kinda catchy.

And now I feel a little heartbroken.
Only because the guy that I like so much has a girlfriend.
I know...
Typical.
He's falling for me.
Because we're perfect for eachother.
And he's unhappy in his relationship.
And I KNOW that's no excuse. At all.
We make eachother happy.
I can tell him anything.
I just wish he would make a decision.

But I know things aren't always as they appear.
It's easier to say than do.

So I think I'm going to tell him that I like him, he makes me laugh, he gives me butterflies,
but I'm not gonna sit around and wait while he's sitting idle with his girlfriend.
I'm gonna look for other people.
Because believe it or not, I'm not a homewrecker.

Whew.. wish me luck.
This won't be easy.



I'm sorry for the long post.
For those of you who stayed around till the end, Thank you Thank you for listening. Or enduring. Whatever.

And I know there are many of you out there that can empathize with me.

Also, sorry for the extended absence.

Love you all.

My name is Anna..

Facts about me:

1. I like instrumentals. It's what puts me to sleep every night.
2. Every time I bake, I burn something. Including icing.
3. When things are going wrong, I run. Literally.
4. Sade is my go to "chill" music.
5. I deleted facebook.
6. I love my mother.
7. I make lists for everything.
8. I wish on 11:11 knowing it'll never come true.
9. I'm the youngest.
10. I'm a perpetually happy person.
11. I'm forgiven.
12. I'm a dancer.
13. This is my favorite number.
14. I want to save the world, or at least my slice of it.
15. I look up to my big brother.
16. My socks never match.
17. I want to marry rich.
18. Because I love to shop :)
19. My favorite color is purple.
20. I want a pet pig.

This is a random list of random facts about me.

p.s. Sorry for not blogging.

I'm here,
Thanks for reading.
Nice to meet you :)

Not Worth It.

I don't know what I'm about to say..
I just need to say something.
I need to say anything to get my mind off of this.

I don't know who I am.
I know who I was.
I know who I should be.
And who I want to be.
But who I AM?

No idea.


I feel lost.
Not alone.
But lost.

There are so many things bouncin' around in my head right now.
So many options, answers, scalding memories, red-hot flashbacks.

I don't like it.
I want to be me again.

I'm here somewhere, right?
I have to be.

I'm ranting and not making any sort of sense.
For that I am sorry.

You don't even have to read this, really.
It's probably not worth the five minutes it took me to write it.

I need honesty.
Stability.
Me.

I need You.

But somewhere along the way, I lost You too.
I'm sorry.
I miss You more than I miss me.

Because without You, there is no me.

Without You, there is no meaning.

Bring me back to that familiar place of forgiveness and grace.

I can't do this myself.

When I'm good, I'm good..But when I'm bad I'm better

I haven't had much time to be inspired lately.

Between school and dance, and friends, and the weekend?
NO time at all.

Someone once said; it's the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have the time..

NOT that I'm a bad girl..
but that quote is soo true..

I can't be that bad if I have time to blog twice a month, right?

I'm a highschooler. With highschool friends. And college friends.
I have a little rebellious streak in me..

And you wanna know what else?
I'm having the time of my life!

That's what being young is for, right?

Doing things that you'd NEVER tell your kids about.
..and beat their ass if you knew what they were up to.

I love friends.
I love weekends.
I hate school.

I'll stop someday. It'll get old. I know it will.

But right now?

..nahhh.

"I'm having the time of my life figuring out this next move."
-John Mayer.

I'm still the same person, though.
Underneath all this nonsense.

It just feels good to let go a little bit, you know?

I've been this one person for my whole life, the good child.
The one who saw my brother and sister mess up and got the grief for it.

..and now, I just want to not think for a little while.

But don't worry! I'm still making wise choices!
All this foolishness hasn't messed up my judgement.

Thanks for listening!

Tell me about your rebellious days! and how you ever made it through them?

Love you all!

Hide it under a bushel..NO

Where's my soapbox? I'm about to get on it.

Perfection.

We've all heard the saying that "no one is perfect"

Which I'm here to say is true.

I'll be the first to say that.
I won't deny the worst thing you have to say about me.

No one person, is perfect. Especially in actions.
We mess up and we fall down. Sometimes we jump.. on purpose.. because it's fun.

Yes.

But what really bothers me is when someone thinks that they aren't worth something.

When they throw themselves away because they aren't good enough.

Nobody is perfect.
But I'm here to say that God doesn't make junk. You ARE the World's Greatest.

We were fearfully and wonderfully made.
He knows the number of HAIRS on our head.
I'm just wondering why anyone would want to know that about someone who didn't matter.
You're right. They wouldn't. YOU matter.

We all make mistakes, but there is forgiveness.
It's not over.

Bad decison? That's alright
Welcome to my silly life.

Pretty Pretty please don't you ever feel like your less than perfect.

I think every single one of us have a light that needs to be shown.

We all have something inspirational to contribute to this planet earth.
Hide it under a bushel..NO!
I'm gonna let it shine!


Inspiration:
Katy Perry- Firework
Claudetter Miller-10th grade english teacher.



P!NK- Perfect

Oh, the things I've learned!

Sometimes, I get in a slump.
Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

I learned that from Dr. Seuss.

I have learned a whole lot from that man.
Some of my greatest life lessons.

Like who I am. I am me, that is truer than true.

Where my brains and feet are.
"you have brains in your head. you have feet in your shoes"

To have your eggs and ham green is the only good way to eat breakfast.

No matter how small, a person is a person.

I will succeed! Its 98 3/4% guaranteed.

We have to speak for the things that can't speak for themselves.
"I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues."

Mean what you say, and say what you mean.

When I'm feeling down or confused,
Sometimes I pick up a Dr. Suess book.

It's so simple, children understand it.
Yet, there is knowledge in there to take me through life.

My favorite of the moment is Oh, The Places You'll Go!
I feel like since I'm about to be on my way,
I'll be on my way. I'll be the one to decide where to go.
I'll need this advice to help get me through some of the hard times.

I want to move mountains.
This book has a 98 3/4% success rate.
That's pretty darn high.

It tells me that there will be times when I'm on top of the world,
and I'll soar far and above everyone else.

Then it tells me that there will be days and times that I'm at the very bottom.
I'll be scared and have no hope or direction.

It also tells me to hold on, because I'll get to the place I'm looking for.

I'll make it alright.

I will move mountains.

Thank you Dr. Seuss.

You have inspired many.
Mostly me.

I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun.

For thanksgiving this year, my family and I traveled over to Houston, Texas to visit my uncle and his family.  They are sailors and decided that they wanted us to experience sailing.  So, in 30 degree weather, 13 of us trekked down to the nearest body of water, hopped on a boat and went sailing.
It was a great experience.

Today, though, my dad told me some frightening news. 
This hasn't been the best year for our family.  There have been a lot of ups and downs, but mostly downs.

I'll just start from the beginning:
In September, everything was going great.  I was a normal teenager with normal teenager problems.  I pestered my parents for a car, I wanted new clothes, I hung out with my friends. 
One particularly boring afternoon, I came home from school and was pilfering through the kitchen for a snack when my dad told me news that made me stop dead in my tracks. 
He lost his job.

I think I was in shock.  I can't really remember.
While I knew that this wasn't the worst thing that could happen, I knew that with the economy, this was very bad.

He told me first, then my mom.
She sat on the couch, motionless, and stared at the wall for hours.  I lost track of time.

I didn't know how to react, really.  I was trying to keep a positive attitude.  I was thinking that now was his opportunity to make more money. 
I am so naive sometimes. 

This wouldn't be so bad if this hadn't happened seven years ago.  Seven years ago, he also lost his job.  Seven years ago is when we moved from where I grew up to here.  Seven years ago, my whole life changed.
I couldn't believe that only thing tying us to here was gone.  I had no clue what to expect. 
I didn't want my whole life to change again.  I'm about to be a senior.  Do you know how difficult that would be to move at this age?

There was talk of selling the house.  Downsizing. 
We were blessed that it never came to that point.

We went through three months of relentless and empty job searches. 
I was keeping hope, though. I kept faith that God would pull through.

Then, the night of the beauty review, he called me downstairs and with tears in his eyes told me that he got offered a good job. 
I cried. I thanked God. I cried some more.
I was so relieved. 

He would be taking a major pay cut, but we all expected that. 
He got this job right before thanksgiving.  We all felt like we had the most to give thanks for.

As our whole family gathered around the makeshift dinner table, we took turns reading a prayer about all we are thankful for.  When it came time for my dad to read, it said, "I am thankful for a job that provides."

Here came the tears again.
It was just one of those funny little things that God does to remind us of what He has given us.  What He brought us through.

I was so thankful that thanksgiving.  I am thankful today of what God continues to bless us with.

While we are so thankful that he got a job, the times are still hard.
The news I got today was that we probably will be selling our house.
I don't know why my dad decided to share this with me, but he also said that if sales don't pick up, He'd be out of another job here soon.

That scares the crap out of me.

I wish that I could be famous and make a lot of money.  I would give it all to them so they wouldn't have to worry about a thing.
They could put the three of us kids through college with ease and we could live the good life.
I would never miss that money.

This is a part of life, I guess.  Learning to roll with the punches. 
Sometimes, though, I feel like Evander Hollyfield and Mike Tyson is just not letting up, man.

Give me a break.

The reason for the tidbit about sailing at the beginning of this was because I can easily compare sailing to life.

You have to start out slow, then you can build and go faster, stronger.
Then, all of sudden you hear the worst noise and realize that the darn boat is stuck.
It literally won't move.  You have to lean, and turn, and lean, and turn to get that sucker out. 
It takes a lot of patience.
Then, it comes out, but you have to go slow becuase you don't want to get stuck again.
When you're in the clear, open water, you realize you can run.
When you run, it's like you're going faster than the world is spinning. 
You're flying through the water effortlessly.
But of course it doesn't last forever.
You slow down because you can see something in the distance.
You can't turn around because that's where you got stuck, so you have to keep sailing forward.
Then you start all over.  
You curse the wind, You fight, You pray for the wind.
It is the relentless cycle of life.
Until at the end you sail out for the last time, and never come back. 
It's blue skies, and clear sailing.

Inspiration:
Sailing.
Life experiences.

I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you

"and you take a moment
promise me this
that you'll stand by me forever
but if God forbid fate step in

and force us into a goodbye
if you have children someday
when they point to the pictures
please tell them my name

tell them how the crowds went wild
tell them how I hope they shine"
-Taylor Swift

I think about my future sometimes.
I wonder who I'm gonna marry.
What my children will be like.

I wonder about the things I'll choose to tell them.

Will I tell them about the crazy things I did/do with my friends? 
I think so, when they're older.
I don't want them to think I'm a square.

I also don't want them to think that I don't understand what they are going through.
Because truthfully, I'm probably going through it all right now.

...Future me telling my children things about present me seems like light years away.

But when I do tell them things about me, I'll be sure to tell them that the crowds went wild.

I'll tell them the names.
And how I had the time of my life fighting dragons with them.

This is just how I was feeling today.

Thanks for reading!