Thursday, June 30, 2011

Some mad hope,, or something like that.

I've always given more of myself than I've really ever been able to.

I've never felt like it was enough to offer just myself and leave it at that.

So, I'm on a quest.
To be my absolute best.
by myself.

Nothing added,
Nothing taken away.

I think the reason why I've always done this,
is because I have this perfect best friend.

Guys are in love with her before they ever even acknowledge my existence.

I've never felt pretty enough.
Or funny enough.
or thin enough.
My feet have always been too big.
and my hair never just right.

I've always just been the smart, goofy, lopey girl.

And I don't know if this is how others see me.
And most the time I try to put on a confident front
like nothing shakes me.

But every little jab that someone makes
cuts a little deeper.

And I know they may be just kidding.
But in my mind there's truth behind every "just kidding".
And a lie behind every "I'm fine".

I just want to find the one person
who looks at me first
and thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.

Someone who can make me laugh at my imperfections.

But, like I said, I'm on a quest to be the best me.

So, in the meanwhile, I guess I'll have to do that on my own.

Learn to laugh at the things that make me want to cry.
Or put a paper bag over my head.

I have to stand tall, with my chin up.

I have to remember that I'm only a teenager
and one day,
I'm gonna look back and maybe laugh, maybe not,
at the way I feel at this point.
But I know I'll remember this feeling when I'm older,
and I see a tall teenage girl
who's laughing and having fun with her friends.

Because behind that laugh might be the way I feel.

But regardless of how I'll perceive this when I'm older,
I can guarantee it'll just be rememberance,
because the way I feel will pass.

Won't it?

Monday, June 27, 2011

If at first you don't succeed.. maybe it wasn't meant to be?

Have you ever wanted something so bad
that you fought,
through blood and tears,
through rain and shine
to get it?

And no matter what kind of effort was poured in,
the outcome never went the way that was planned,
or hoped for,
or prayed for.

I have.
I wondered for so long,
and fought with myself
about if I had worked harder.
Tried one more time..
Maybe it would have worked out.

But it wouldn't have.

And somewhere down the road, i understood why it didn't work out.
and I breathe a sigh of relief that things didn't go my way.
Because there was something better down the road.
Something I could never have planned.
Things have a way of working out that way.

I was reminded of this the other day.

And I had the stongest urge to call what I once hoped for.

I imagined the conversation going a little something like this (its a monologue):
"HI, remember me? Thought so. How's life? OH, not so good? Okay. Mine's great. No, It didn't go how I planned, but since when does anything go that way? Because if it had, I would have missed out on now.  The most important part of the future. I know you wish that I was still over here pining for what could have been, but truth be told, I haven't though about you in quite a while. I don't miss you. Nice talk. Byeee."

If only, if only.

I love moments like those.
Those times all you can say is, "Ohhh".
Because you realize something that was so confusing at one point.

It's a good moment.


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

This Crazy Thing Called Life

Has so much ever happened to you in such a short period of time that it feels like you're floating through a dream?
Yeah? Well me too.

I need to get all these thoughts out of my head because they're threatening to kill me.

Here goes:
It all started last week, on Monday, which was also my birthday, June 6.

My lovely friends put together a surprise dinner for me. They're great.
Then after, we just wanted to do what kids do, so we decided to break in to the country club.
People had beer, we were just sitting around talking.
I made the decision to not drink that night, I just didn't feel right about it.
One of the guys that I like came.. and it was just a good night.
Until one of the guys that was there got on his motorcycle after having a few too many beers.
One of my other friends got into his car and they were going to race.
I told him before he ever left that he didn't need to drive..
He insisted he was fine.
I should have taken his keys..

They left and from the pool I could hear how fast he was going.
I heard him switch gears.
And then I heard the loudest sound I've ever heard in my life.
It's still ringing through my ears..
I've never ran so fast in my life.

The guy I like got in his truck, along with me and two others (who hadn't been drinking, by the way)
and floored it down the road.
We got there and his bike was shredded about 50 yards down the road.
I thought for sure he would be dead.
But he was sitting in the other guy's car while the others went to check out the bike.

I went over to talk to him, to slap him, to yell at him.
I couldn't do any of that.
All I could manage was to choke out sobs about how I shouldn't have let him leave and he could have died.
I couldn't breathe.
I was so scared.
The entire right side of his body was just meat and blood.
Thankfully, he didn't hit is head or break anything.
I know that if he had landed differently he would surely be dead.

I later learned he crashed going 120mph,

God was watching over him.

As if that isn't bad enough..
The next day, I was laying out at the same pool we had broken into the night before with some friends, and I got the weirdest phone call of my life.

My dad called to say he had bad news. He told me not to react so people wouldn't be suspicious. He told me to just listen.
He proceeded to tell me that my sister was pregnant.
My 19-year-old unwedded sister was pregnant.

All I could manage to do was get up and go to the bathroom.
He seemed pretty calm about it. He was heartbroken. He was dissapointed. But calm.

I ended the phone call and walked back outside.
Immediately when my three friends saw me, they rushed to me.
I took them back to the bathroom, checked that it was empty.
Blake said, "Anna, you look like you're about to throw up."
I said, "I think I might pass out."
Whitney stood by me with her arm around my waist to help me stand.
I broke down sobbing uncontrollable tears as they stood there looking scared.
I choked out the words, "Emily's pregnant."
and I immediately felt all three of their hands on me. Hugging me.

They all looked as dumbfounded as I felt.

I still can't believe it.
But I'm gonna be an Aunt.
Aunty Ann.
Kinda catchy.

And now I feel a little heartbroken.
Only because the guy that I like so much has a girlfriend.
I know...
He's falling for me.
Because we're perfect for eachother.
And he's unhappy in his relationship.
And I KNOW that's no excuse. At all.
We make eachother happy.
I can tell him anything.
I just wish he would make a decision.

But I know things aren't always as they appear.
It's easier to say than do.

So I think I'm going to tell him that I like him, he makes me laugh, he gives me butterflies,
but I'm not gonna sit around and wait while he's sitting idle with his girlfriend.
I'm gonna look for other people.
Because believe it or not, I'm not a homewrecker.

Whew.. wish me luck.
This won't be easy.

I'm sorry for the long post.
For those of you who stayed around till the end, Thank you Thank you for listening. Or enduring. Whatever.

And I know there are many of you out there that can empathize with me.

Also, sorry for the extended absence.

Love you all.