Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The Choices We Make

The thing that has been on my mind the most of late are choices.
We started the new 9-weeks which means that now I'm taking Economics. If any of you have ever studied economics, you'll know that it's all about how our everyday, mundane choices affect the economy.
I'm also in my Senior year of high school, which means I have a lot of decisions to make about College and what my career path will be. Which, by the way, I think I've got that one figured out (subject to change).
In church tonight, the subject of discussion were the two types of Christians. The kind who choose their path and ask God to bless them, or the kind that ask God to lead them on His path.
Which, is another choice.
I've just got all these lists bouncing around in my head.
I have choices that need to be decisions.
I need to be sure.

I need to be sure that the decisions that I make are the right ones. The ones God has picked out for my life. Not the ones that I have picked out and just hope that God decides to bless me.

Just in case any of you were wondering, I've decided that I want to be a lawyer. I've come to realize that injustice is something I am extremely passionate about. Passionate about abolishing it from this country.
I've also decided that I want to go to Ole Miss law school.

I need to pray about it, but I do feel a peace about it.
It literally just donned on me last week that I do truly want to be a lawyer.
It wouldn't be just another job, it would be something that I am truly, truly passionate about.
I realize that I have eight or more years of school ahead of me worth well over 100,000 dollars and endless nights of studying, but I feel like that's not any kind of price to pay if I end up making even the smallest ripple of effect.
I feel a peace about it. Like the events that took place for me to realize this, God set directly in front of me.

I will be an honest and hard working lawyer.
The only problem is that I haven't decided what kind of lawyer to be, Defense, Prosocutor, Corporate...The list goes on and on.
I'll research that.

But please please don't think that I am insane if I come back a week from now and decide to be something completely different.
At this moment, though, I really don't feel like I will decide differently.

God could change all of this in a split second though.

Thanks for listening to my rambling ons.

Be back soon!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I Think She's An Angel

I don't want to be one of those people who takes for granted the things they have while they have them.
I don't want to just look back after someone is gone and wish that I had spent more time with them or treated them better.
So, I'm dedicating this post to my Mother.
My dear, kind mother.

It's unreal what this woman can do.
I know that a lot of people grow up thinking that their mother is some sort of superhero.. but I choose to think of mine as more of an angel. 
A light skinned, gray-haired angel.

She has a voice that sounds like heaven on earth. When she sings, people get chills. But she's humble. When she gets complemented she gives all the credit to God.

And not only is her singing voice perfection, but when she talks.. it's the most comforting sound I've ever heard.
Her voice is also her biggest tell. I can tell when she's sad, mad, happy, hesitant, or tired by just her voice.

She also knows nearly everyone's telephone number in the small city in which we live.

My mother is one of those people who just radiates grace and poise. She's classy and elegant

You would never want to see her suffer a day in her life.

But she's constantly burdened with the stress of bills she has yet to pay, and money we don't have to pay them with.

It breaks my heart to see her burdened when there's nothing I can do.

Her faith in God is unswerving.
It's amazing.

Just last night she made me pray, even when I thought it wouldn't work.
She reminds me that prayer always works. God always has something in store.

When one of her children is hurting, just know that she is hurting ten times worse because she wishes more than anything that she could take that pain away.

I know that my mother is not perfect.
I have seen her get angry and upset.
I could probably count on one hand all the curse words i've heard her say.

I honestly don't know what I'd do without her.
There's not a day that goes by that I don't call her to get a piece of her unmatched wisdom.
I think I would crawl into a hole and not come out.

Half the world would be lost without her.

I do believe that if every mother was like mine, this would be a perfect generation.

I can't say that I know everything she does for me. I know there is so much she doesn't show me, and one day, perhaps when I'm a mother, I'll understand why. With that said, although I don't know every thing she does for me, I appreciate it more than a lot of people can comprehend.

Just thinking about her not being around someday leaves a big gaping hole in my heart.

I see the way she misses her own mother. The one who taught her to be such an angel. I see it in her eyes, and the slight quiver of her lips when she mentions her, or when she's brought up in casual conversation.
This might be selfish to say, but I never want to have to miss my mother like that.
I want her in my life for as long as I live.

I love you Mom. So much.
I hope one day I can be half the woman you are.
It'll be two times better than I ever thought I'd be..

Monday, August 29, 2011

Make Momma Proud

Sometimes I have random thoughts.
Realizations, if you will.

I was driving down the road and burst out laughing.
I was envisioning my group of friends, my generation as grown-ass adults.
As parents.

It was so funny.
I think we'll be the funniest generation of parents yet.

Like we're the result of the previous generation that grew up in the 60's and 70's.
They're all protective and "everyone wins" parents, you know?

But my generation?
I'm not so sure.

It's a bunch of self-absorbed asshole parents competing with their children.

Cause that's what we are.

We feel entitled to things we don't deserve.
Everyone is a "winner" even if you're a loser.
And that's the problem.
None of us have been told no.

Because our parents were told no and they didn't get to do all the things we do. They didn't have the opportunities we do.
So, in turn, they think they'll make up for that by letting us do everything we "set our mind to".
Which is anything and everything under this blazing sun.

I'm just curious how my generation is gonna grow up.

Are we still going to be the Self-Entitled, Lazy, Selfish, "Winners"?
Or will we go out and grab something for ourselves?

...We shall see.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

It's all in a summer's time

To do list for the rest of the summer:

  • Get super cute outfits for Senior Portraits
  • Take fantastic Senior Portraits
  • Get my second and third ear hole pierced
  • Also the cartilage on one ear
  • Get my hair died blonde
  • Lose 15 pounds
  • Exercise more
  • Eat healthier
  • Have an awesome, stressfree weekend in Alabama
  • Have an awesome, stressfree week in Destin
  • Be good for senior week
  • Eat as much sushi as humanly possible!
 .... we shall see what happens

I'll be sure to keep my faithfuls updated.

BTW, I'm so thankful for those of you who actually take the time to read this mess.

It's so very appreciated.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Your string of lights is still bright to me

Here goes another list:

1. I'm currently listening to California King Bed by Rhianna.
3. I was going to a Taylor Swift concert in Atlanta on Sunday, but it got cancelled because she got bronchitis. :( Get better Taylor!
4. I'm making myself be completely honest with everyone about my feelings, including myself.
5. I will be a senior this year.
6. I miss God, even though He didn't go anywhere. It was me.
7. I've decided to not let anyone take advantage of me.
8. I'm choosing to love myself instead of pointing out all the negative.
9. I get myself into the stickiest messes I've ever seen.
10. Somehow, I always get out though. No thanks to me.
11. I wish on 11:11.
12. Taylor Swift makes any mood of mine feel better.
13. I'd be mortifyed if anyone that I knew ever saw my blog.
14. The things I write are the things I wish I could speak all the time.
15. Taylor Swift's album "Speak Now" has empowered me. To not let the moment pass without me saying what needs to be said.
16. Sometimes I dance around in my underwear. And sing. Loudly.
17. I believe that it's dangerous to keep stuff locked inside. So I don't.
18. I don't believe in Prince Charming. Because I don't want a perfect guy. I want one who I can love regardless of his past, and because of his past, can understand mine.
19. I daydream regularly.
20. I use really big words in everyday conversation and people look at me blankly.
21. I love Chelsea Lately.
22. I looked in the mirror last night and was actually pleased with what I saw. Not in a Vain way, but in a healthy self-loving way.
23. I want to live in New York very badly.
24. I need to exercise way more than I do.
25. I'm happiest when I'm wearing a huge tshirt and some variation of workout shorts with flip flops.
26. I do think dreams come true.
27. I get very emotional sometimes.
28. I'm realizing this list is forever long.
29. I'm apologizing.
30. This is the last one :)

This is a list of most of the things that have captivated my thoughts for the past week.
It feels good to see them in black and white.
(Errr, Ombre purple and white)
Instead of the mumble and jumble that is my mind.

If anyone out there cares, do me a favor and look up the song "Innocent" by Taylor Swift.
I know that's me.
Every word of it.

...And yes. I am aware that number 2 is missing.
ohh well :)

It was enchanting sharing this with those of you who read.
Let me know what you think.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Some mad hope,, or something like that.

I've always given more of myself than I've really ever been able to.

I've never felt like it was enough to offer just myself and leave it at that.

So, I'm on a quest.
To be my absolute best.
by myself.

Nothing added,
Nothing taken away.

I think the reason why I've always done this,
is because I have this perfect best friend.

Guys are in love with her before they ever even acknowledge my existence.

I've never felt pretty enough.
Or funny enough.
or thin enough.
My feet have always been too big.
and my hair never just right.

I've always just been the smart, goofy, lopey girl.

And I don't know if this is how others see me.
And most the time I try to put on a confident front
like nothing shakes me.

But every little jab that someone makes
cuts a little deeper.

And I know they may be just kidding.
But in my mind there's truth behind every "just kidding".
And a lie behind every "I'm fine".

I just want to find the one person
who looks at me first
and thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.

Someone who can make me laugh at my imperfections.

But, like I said, I'm on a quest to be the best me.

So, in the meanwhile, I guess I'll have to do that on my own.

Learn to laugh at the things that make me want to cry.
Or put a paper bag over my head.

I have to stand tall, with my chin up.

I have to remember that I'm only a teenager
and one day,
I'm gonna look back and maybe laugh, maybe not,
at the way I feel at this point.
But I know I'll remember this feeling when I'm older,
and I see a tall teenage girl
who's laughing and having fun with her friends.

Because behind that laugh might be the way I feel.

But regardless of how I'll perceive this when I'm older,
I can guarantee it'll just be rememberance,
because the way I feel will pass.

Won't it?

Monday, June 27, 2011

If at first you don't succeed.. maybe it wasn't meant to be?

Have you ever wanted something so bad
that you fought,
through blood and tears,
through rain and shine
to get it?

And no matter what kind of effort was poured in,
the outcome never went the way that was planned,
or hoped for,
or prayed for.

I have.
I wondered for so long,
and fought with myself
about if I had worked harder.
Tried one more time..
Maybe it would have worked out.

But it wouldn't have.

And somewhere down the road, i understood why it didn't work out.
and I breathe a sigh of relief that things didn't go my way.
Because there was something better down the road.
Something I could never have planned.
Things have a way of working out that way.

I was reminded of this the other day.

And I had the stongest urge to call what I once hoped for.

I imagined the conversation going a little something like this (its a monologue):
"HI, remember me? Thought so. How's life? OH, not so good? Okay. Mine's great. No, It didn't go how I planned, but since when does anything go that way? Because if it had, I would have missed out on now.  The most important part of the future. I know you wish that I was still over here pining for what could have been, but truth be told, I haven't though about you in quite a while. I don't miss you. Nice talk. Byeee."

If only, if only.

I love moments like those.
Those times all you can say is, "Ohhh".
Because you realize something that was so confusing at one point.

It's a good moment.


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

This Crazy Thing Called Life

Has so much ever happened to you in such a short period of time that it feels like you're floating through a dream?
Yeah? Well me too.

I need to get all these thoughts out of my head because they're threatening to kill me.

Here goes:
It all started last week, on Monday, which was also my birthday, June 6.

My lovely friends put together a surprise dinner for me. They're great.
Then after, we just wanted to do what kids do, so we decided to break in to the country club.
People had beer, we were just sitting around talking.
I made the decision to not drink that night, I just didn't feel right about it.
One of the guys that I like came.. and it was just a good night.
Until one of the guys that was there got on his motorcycle after having a few too many beers.
One of my other friends got into his car and they were going to race.
I told him before he ever left that he didn't need to drive..
He insisted he was fine.
I should have taken his keys..

They left and from the pool I could hear how fast he was going.
I heard him switch gears.
And then I heard the loudest sound I've ever heard in my life.
It's still ringing through my ears..
I've never ran so fast in my life.

The guy I like got in his truck, along with me and two others (who hadn't been drinking, by the way)
and floored it down the road.
We got there and his bike was shredded about 50 yards down the road.
I thought for sure he would be dead.
But he was sitting in the other guy's car while the others went to check out the bike.

I went over to talk to him, to slap him, to yell at him.
I couldn't do any of that.
All I could manage was to choke out sobs about how I shouldn't have let him leave and he could have died.
I couldn't breathe.
I was so scared.
The entire right side of his body was just meat and blood.
Thankfully, he didn't hit is head or break anything.
I know that if he had landed differently he would surely be dead.

I later learned he crashed going 120mph,

God was watching over him.

As if that isn't bad enough..
The next day, I was laying out at the same pool we had broken into the night before with some friends, and I got the weirdest phone call of my life.

My dad called to say he had bad news. He told me not to react so people wouldn't be suspicious. He told me to just listen.
He proceeded to tell me that my sister was pregnant.
My 19-year-old unwedded sister was pregnant.

All I could manage to do was get up and go to the bathroom.
He seemed pretty calm about it. He was heartbroken. He was dissapointed. But calm.

I ended the phone call and walked back outside.
Immediately when my three friends saw me, they rushed to me.
I took them back to the bathroom, checked that it was empty.
Blake said, "Anna, you look like you're about to throw up."
I said, "I think I might pass out."
Whitney stood by me with her arm around my waist to help me stand.
I broke down sobbing uncontrollable tears as they stood there looking scared.
I choked out the words, "Emily's pregnant."
and I immediately felt all three of their hands on me. Hugging me.

They all looked as dumbfounded as I felt.

I still can't believe it.
But I'm gonna be an Aunt.
Aunty Ann.
Kinda catchy.

And now I feel a little heartbroken.
Only because the guy that I like so much has a girlfriend.
I know...
He's falling for me.
Because we're perfect for eachother.
And he's unhappy in his relationship.
And I KNOW that's no excuse. At all.
We make eachother happy.
I can tell him anything.
I just wish he would make a decision.

But I know things aren't always as they appear.
It's easier to say than do.

So I think I'm going to tell him that I like him, he makes me laugh, he gives me butterflies,
but I'm not gonna sit around and wait while he's sitting idle with his girlfriend.
I'm gonna look for other people.
Because believe it or not, I'm not a homewrecker.

Whew.. wish me luck.
This won't be easy.

I'm sorry for the long post.
For those of you who stayed around till the end, Thank you Thank you for listening. Or enduring. Whatever.

And I know there are many of you out there that can empathize with me.

Also, sorry for the extended absence.

Love you all.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My name is Anna..

Facts about me:

1. I like instrumentals. It's what puts me to sleep every night.
2. Every time I bake, I burn something. Including icing.
3. When things are going wrong, I run. Literally.
4. Sade is my go to "chill" music.
5. I deleted facebook.
6. I love my mother.
7. I make lists for everything.
8. I wish on 11:11 knowing it'll never come true.
9. I'm the youngest.
10. I'm a perpetually happy person.
11. I'm forgiven.
12. I'm a dancer.
13. This is my favorite number.
14. I want to save the world, or at least my slice of it.
15. I look up to my big brother.
16. My socks never match.
17. I want to marry rich.
18. Because I love to shop :)
19. My favorite color is purple.
20. I want a pet pig.

This is a random list of random facts about me.

p.s. Sorry for not blogging.

I'm here,
Thanks for reading.
Nice to meet you :)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Not Worth It.

I don't know what I'm about to say..
I just need to say something.
I need to say anything to get my mind off of this.

I don't know who I am.
I know who I was.
I know who I should be.
And who I want to be.
But who I AM?

No idea.

I feel lost.
Not alone.
But lost.

There are so many things bouncin' around in my head right now.
So many options, answers, scalding memories, red-hot flashbacks.

I don't like it.
I want to be me again.

I'm here somewhere, right?
I have to be.

I'm ranting and not making any sort of sense.
For that I am sorry.

You don't even have to read this, really.
It's probably not worth the five minutes it took me to write it.

I need honesty.

I need You.

But somewhere along the way, I lost You too.
I'm sorry.
I miss You more than I miss me.

Because without You, there is no me.

Without You, there is no meaning.

Bring me back to that familiar place of forgiveness and grace.

I can't do this myself.